The separation and impending divorce.
I said I wouldn’t out of respect for Jock. Don’t air the dirty laundry. Show everyone all the good stuff. There is alot of good stuff going on. Moving forward and all that.
I have been very blessed and fortunate in that, I have some feckin’ amazing friends, a good holistic counsellor and amazing kids. Friends across the ditch that because of a time difference, me awake at 1am is no problem because it’s 11 over there.
I am the little train who could. And I am. Doing what I need to do to get us through this. Because we will. Get through this. There is no other option.
However, this week, I have hit a low. It is hard and it is painful.
This ending to our marriage was not mutual. I say that, not to apportion blame or get people to feel sorry for me. It’s a fact. I wanted to work things out. However, Jock didn’t. He came home one day and said he didn’t want to be married to me anymore.
I wish I could say, I handled the news with grace. I didn’t. I nutted out. I felt and still feel betrayed.
I had someone say to me that at least he never hit me or was unfaithful. Yep, the consolation prize. Thanks Sandra.
Sometimes, you don’t have to be physically hit to feel like someone’s punching bag.
Right now, it is hard to look at someone I love and know they do not feel the same way. Reality is you can’t force someone to love you.
It is hard to be on half the income with the same outgoings while someone else is buying kids treats galore and being the ‘fun’ parent.
I think it’s unfair that I have all the responsibililty for OUR children while someone else is off doing as he pleases.
It really doesn’t matter that everyone thinks he is going through a mid life crisis. I stayed because I truly believed that one day we would get through the other side. Together. I was prepared to accept his different wiring. I got he didn’t see the world as I did.
It’s been a low week. One of my lowest. Interaction with the children’s father (how I refer to him, as there is no connection anymore between him and I) hasn’t been good.There is a part of me that wishes I could get as FAR away from him as possible. Having him around is painful. I feel powerless. Things that are happening have all been on HIS terms. I resent this.
I know that this too shall pass. I get that this is part of the process.
But it feckin’ sucks the kumera.
Tomorrow is another day. And it better be good.