I have been here before.

This is my sixth visit in 6 years to this place.

I often say that we are given the same situation over and over again until we have learned all we can.

I know the routine. This place is familiar.

Grief journey, blah blah.

I don’t feel the need to grieve right now. I feel relief.

Things make sense. I am calm.

There are decisions to be made.

We need a plan, a path.

The path we have been on isn’t working. I know that.

But the path being offered is one I said I would never take.

The path we have been on is not working.

This is not a big deal. It just feels like a big deal.

We need to change paths. NEED. There really is no choice.

So I ring my MIL for reassurance.

The right person to ring.

As I cry to her, I say and realise something. I am scared because I want to do the right thing, have the right plan. I don’t know if the path offered is the right one.

I am not grieving. I do not need to grieve. There is no loss here, just relief.

And hope. Nothing has changed really. The only change will be a positive one, hopefully.

The path we are on is not working. I am looking at the new path. I get why it is being offered.  I logically get it.

MIL, as always reassures me. Even though we are on the wrong path, we needed to take it to see where it led us. It has led us here. I agree.

She then gives me her best offer of help. She will pray, she will ask her friends to pray that God lead us and make it clear that this path is the right path.

Yes, hand the situation over, but God, can you hurry up in your response and make it abundantly clear. Maybe ‘angels blowing trumpet’ clear.

I know the potential outcomes of not changing paths. I know the statistics. Addiction, Depression, Suicide. Yes, I know this. I get it.

I am at peace and understand.

I face my biggest obstacle. I prepare for the challenge, the discussion, the to ing and fro ing, the self doubt.

There is no obstacle, no fighting, just agreement.

This is too easy. Is this my answer from God ?

There is no struggle, just acceptance.

We will take the new path.

But I am full of ‘what ifs’

What if we take this path and it is the wrong one and damage is done?

I have this calm that this is the right path, yet this fear too.

The path we are on, is not working.

This new path is not a big deal.

I am not grieving, I feel relief.

The missing piece has been placed in the puzzle.

There is acceptance.

We can do this.

I have been here before.