Remember when I excitedly shared this?

Then disappointedly shared this?

I received a call yesterday afternoon. My foster son V. He was at a friends and feeling really, really bad about not coming. His Dad got mad when he heard he had contacted us. I reassured him I was not angry.

He said he has tried to leave the past behind, but there are things. His father blames him for things, his father blames me for things. He tried to explain the unexplainable. Tried to say there was a misunderstanding where the abuse was concerned.  He tried to pass it off as normal. I could hear his father’s words.

He sounded lost. He sounded sad. He said he needs the truth. His parents won’t talk.

I have told him he can ask me anything and I will tell him the truth as I understand it. I also said there are things that I will not tell him, things that happen between a man and his wife that a son should not be told.

He has decided to lie to his parents so he can come and visit me. I told him that on the one hand, he is an adult and free to choose. On the other, I do not want any more trouble for him. He was insistent that he comes to visit.  I reassured him that I want to see him.

He doesn’t remember much. I think he has blocked alot of things out. When I spoke of funny stories when he lived with us, he doesn’t remember. I know that feeling and I know why.

He does remember the day they left us. I told him he was part of our family and always would be. I told him he always had a place here.

I believe people who need to take responsibility for their actions aren’t and have spent the last 5 years confusing the boy.

Several times, I asked him what he needed to know.  He would ask and his voice would be shaky. I am unsure what it is he is scared of finding out. I think the fear is bigger than the truth.

I wish I could tell him what he wants to hear.

I think he wants me to tell him none of the stuff happened. While I wasn’t there to witness anything and was their caregiver for 3 1/2 years, I know in my heart of hearts, that things weren’t right in their house. And I totally disagreed with the idea of returning the children to their father. I told him that yesterday. I told him that I acted in the belief I was doing what was best for them.  I also told him that I would be so thankful if the allegations weren’t true.I got the impression that once again, I have been blamed for things.  I will put up my hand to what I did/said and why I did that. However, some of this will be difficult. I don’t think some of what I know should be told to him.

I spent last night and part of today, sad for the pain I know he is in, and thinking and remembering those years. Imagining it through the eyes of a child and trying to apply adult logic and understanding in a way that he will understand and find his peace.

Edited to add: He gave me his cellphone number and has mine.

Please keep my boy in your thoughts/prayers/meditations.

And hope the Universe will play this out as and when it is meant to.